The power of asking questions

How I got to turn upside down a critical relationship with 3 simple questions.

Hi,

Writing my last week's post sparked a thought in my mind about the fact that my onboarding is not just a change for me alone, but it also involves everyone in the team. I want it to mature a bit before sharing, but I think it could be closing the first series of posts as a final consideration about onboarding once I feel out of this stage.

In the meantime, this was a little epiphany that set clearly in my mind the intention to explore what people around me are thinking and to amplify my listening intentions.

The co-protagonist of this post is my direct superior, who is the creative director of the studio. Unfortunately for everyone, she's the only member of the office working from home so there's both a geographical and generational distance between her and the rest of the team, a distance that I can see is felt and sometimes suffered by everyone. Moreover, I have reasons to believe that the relationship between her and the person I replaced wasn't the best. So, I got influenced by this situation and on top of this, in my first days, I felt a bit patronised by her and sometimes in conflict with her approaches. I even started to think that she was treating me differently (worse) than others. However, it's normal for her to treat me differently as I'm still a stranger compared to anyone else and I am supposed to be a more mature and experienced professional than other folks.

Anyway, my pride and animal instincts kicked in, and I began to feel conflict arise, and my attitude getting hostile and in total defensive mode towards her.

This feeling, as for previous experiences and for my complete aversion to conflicts, was giving me fear. I feared making myself an enemy (and a pretty relevant one) and self-inflicting me terrible anxiety and stress in my job environment. Until a little spark of rationality emerged, questioning if this was all just in my head and a bit paranoid.

spoiler: yes, it was, it probably is most of the times

This spark was brought thanks to the focus and awareness I explicitly set with my intentions in my first post. So, because of this I already want to recognise and validate the great value this project brings to my growth and success. Hoping someday will be helpful for somebody else as well.

So, at this point, something very powerful happened. I wanted to change this feeling before it gets worse and crystallise, I wanted to set this relationship with humbleness, transparency, and again from a listening position. I created the opportunity for a 1-to-1 with a simple request for a design critique. Then I leveraged the situation to ask three simple questions openly:

"Do you have any feedback for me after these first 10 days?"

"Do you have any explicit expectations on me, my role, and contribution?"

"What can I do to help you achieve your goals with the team and make your life easier?"

This changed everything. It made me feel that I had brought myself with humbleness and openness, instead of nurturing hostility and conflict, and from her answers and the discussion that followed, I was able to share my intentions with transparency. I was able to better understand the boundaries of my role, find a sort of agreement on them and even get an endorsement about some of the things I want and I was already doing with the younger colleagues. It also gave me a clearer view on how to absorb the practices and be part of the team as fast as possible. I even got thanked for the opportunity of confrontation and invited to keep these moments coming in the future as she felt they are lacking also with the rest of the team because of the distance.

Takeaway

I am amazed at how three simple questions were able to transform in a few minutes a possible critical conflict into a beautiful and trustful complicity and make myself an ally of another person in the company. This moment was so powerful and was the practical validation of this attitude and approach that I now want to bring forward with any other colleague in the following weeks.

This gave me extra value for my private life in general, as I tend to live relationships by making a lot of assumptions instead of seeking discussion and asking others what they expect and think about me.

Weekly retrospective

Thanks for reading and see you next week!
Tobia