Hi! Last week experiment…closed evolved already. I think l needed the trick of the three-legged retrospective formula to hide from the fact that I haven’t got the energies to go deeper and in a more structured way on any of three topics I had in mind, each of which could have been an entire post.
This week I tried to find three new topics for a similar post, and it was clear to me that there was a single focus point, and all I could think of were only different perspective of the same issue.
But the intentions from last week are intact, I’ll try to write a it more by heart and make it simpler so that I can handle it and keep writing with less struggle going on.
Going back on my steps to keep going forward, fail fast learn faster.
I Hope you enjoy this release and remember that, if like my work, you can help me by reaching out to share a thought or a feedback and help the project by finding someone else to send this post to if you like to discuss about it.
Takeaways (TL:DR)
Often times is very easy to overlook how much our character, our psychology and our habits can get in the way of the development of our soft human skills. It’s hard to get precise goals about them. Keep in mind our intentions and stick to them even when we feel under pressure or when emotionally triggered needs a lot of discipline, effort and attention. I opened the eyes to the fact that I want to ask more questions in my relationships. So, how would you train such a skill on a daily basis?
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Weekly retrospective
This week I lived a couple of occasions, one professional relationship and one personal relationship, where I clearly noticed something I was probably mulling over for some time. I couldn’t stop thinking that I should stop vomit suggestions when people ask for help or my role requires me to land a hand.
I don’t think this is bad per se, but suddenly feeling aware of how often I react in this way became almost annoying. I kept thinking about the fact that I should be asking a lot more questions, and maybe, on second hand also learn better which questions to ask.
Acknowledge the value of asking questions
It is not a new topic for me, I already experienced on my own skin the power of asking questions, it was actually even the focus of one of the first posts here.
I also recognise that all of the people and moments that had a great impact in my life where the ones that are able to keep asking question after question. I can also easily retrieve from my memory so many cases where being mindfully present and forcing me to apply a similar approach lead me to very good results and satisfaction.
I also keep reading everywhere in articles and posts and blogs about the right questions to ask in different professional and personal situations. And I can see how this has an impact and a central role in so many professions and roles in our society.
Recognise the reasons for my behaviour
So why do I tend to react in a complete opposite way? Even if I want to be more inquiring and empathic and I know the value of asking the right questions? I believe there are at least three intrinsic motivations and some external factors that amplify this behaviour. Follow me:
The first element is about character. I’m a very curious mind, I love to collect information, I enjoy problem solving and creating solutions. Whenever a person comes to me with a problem, it’s easy for me to make it my own, to connect all sort of information I have in my memory and begin to share different perspectives, trying to reframe the problem in many different ways and basically trying to offer as much optionality as possible to the other person, until there’s something that finally “clicks” with their situation.
The second component is psychological. I reflected long enough on my behaviour during the years to understand that my own personal traumas push me to regularly seek recognition and validation from others. Of course, having the opportunity to showcase my knowledge and put it at use for someone else’s problem is the perfect trigger to get me hooked and is so deeply rooted into myself, that is very hard to break this automatic reaction to want to prove myself in some way while I’m fighting with imposter syndrome instead of staying in the space of the other person, inquiring their problem to the point where they can find their own personal solution.
The third and last in the mix is about habits. This is something that sticks with me since a lot of time. I always been the nerdy guy of the situation and people knowing I’m resourceful about different topics came to me with phrases like “I know you can help me, you know everything”. Of course this is an exaggeration, a scheme, that people pleasers use to flatter you in order to easily get your help. But still, this has been a positive reinforcement for years, and it’s really hard to detach from it.
The external factors are related to a context where there is the pressure of competition, where I feel a lack of psychological and emotional safety, where I haven’t yet gotten to find the space to feel vulnerable. This is a situation where the need of recognition really gets amplified (I’m starting to go to therapy in a few days, I hope to be able to shave off a bit this pattern soon with a lot of personal work). Whenever I get the chance to explain something, give help or feedback, in my new job I can feel stronger the push to show off and try to prove something to others. Unfortunately this reinforce a habit and an insecurity that I bring with me also in other different contexts.
Balancing different approaches
I don’t want to judge my approach and label it as “negative” compared to my new resolution of asking more and answering less. If we remove for a moment what is behind such a behaviour, there’s still a lot of value for others and something that is part of what makes me unique. I can see people recognising value to my approach to the degree to which I’m able to understand their situation and their perspective among many others and be able to reframe it and summarise it in a more simple way for them to work on it. Some other people reach out to me as a point of reference to search for stimuli and resources to get inspiration.
I have to believe there’s a very positive side to this if I was able to grow intimate and lasting relationships despite of thanks to it.
And yet I believe there should be a moment to understand and inquire, that I need to learn to control myself better and avoid rushing things, and only move to a more consolidated approach when I’m sure that I was able to really empathise and let the other person feel heard before moving on to the value I can bring with my usual response. As per most of the issues, finding some sort of balance is probably more powerful than desperately looking for the best alternative.
Learning to ask more questions
This is the hard part, where I link back to the beginning of this story. How do you train yourself to adopt, learn and nurture a human skill when you are in a situation where you need to go against your very own instincts?
My intention is the starting point, it is there, and I hope it will be the engine of change as well.
Awareness is the first step, I’m sure that if I can recognise every time that I miss an opportunity by following the usual part, something will progress already, meditation trains and teach this valuable practice.
Whenever I feel present, and I’m able to get a clear goal to drive me to behave in the way I want, with more control and intentionality I will catch those opportunities to experiment a different approach and familiarise with the feeling of asking two, then five, then ten and always more questions to understand the other person perspective before rushing to different ones I can imagine and share them.
With practice, and why not, with the help of more experienced people as well, I hope to train this skill as much as I would like to, and ultimately transform it into a habit.
This is the plan, and is starting today!
And you?
What’s your current style when it comes to listen and give help to others?
Which is the human skill you would like to exercise the most at the moment?
Is there some behaviour you began to notice and you want to change in the future?
Do you have any strategy to fight against your very own instincts and foster behavioural change?
Are you good at asking question?
If you liked this post and you think some of your friends would like it as well, please share it with whoever you like.
Thanks for reading to the finish and see you next week!
Tobia